Season of Mixed Feelings

Several friends and family have lost loved ones recently or are going through this holiday season without their loved ones for the first time. At the age of 29 I lost my mother and newborn baby daughter 10 days apart in the month of November right before Thanksgiving so I know the angst of such mixed feelings in this season. Because all this took place at this time of year, my feelings always resurface in November, although, with the benefit of time affecting my perspective. However, because of my experience, I know how loss makes this season especially painful and difficult so I want to share some of my thoughts and observations with the hope they will give encouragement & comfort,

First of all, I’m so Grateful that in my immense grief immediately after I lost my Mom when our family gathered at my parent’s home, God gave me unexpected comfort. When a cousin asked me if I was mad at God ’cause He didn’t answer my prayer and heal my mother without any hesitation I said, “He DID heal her! She’s not sick anymore!” I realize now that reply was a ‘gift’ from God as reassurance & comfort and as a message for this cousin and anyone who overheard.

In those days of grief, though, I realize too that in my Mom’s terrible suffering I had begun the stages of grieving even before she passed away. Anger is one early stage and I went through that stage a few months earlier when the cancer changed my Mama’s personality, I already felt that I had lost my mother and I was mad about that! As time passed, God gave me the discernment that He didn’t cause cancer. It’s the result of the sin in this fallen world. Not my Mother’s (or your loved one’s!) sin but the sin of actions on earth that have contaminated the air, water, food etc.!

Since then I’ve lost my Daddy to cancer too. We had 2 years of ups and downs to process my Mama’s illness, but, we only had 4 months to deal with Daddy’s illness before we lost him. That was painful in a totally different way and I’m still processing that one. However, I have had many more experiences with Jesus in those 26 years and I have come to accept and understand that God Will Heal according to His plan for each person. I now accept according to God’s Word that “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16 I’ve learned to have faith and that Jesus is worthy of our trust & faith. ♥